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Fun scenario time. Your Girlfriend intends to come over tomorrow, and she wants to watch a movie. God knows why she’s dictating dates at this point, but you’re screwed: all you have is action movies and pornography, both of which may not be the best movies to watch with your significant other. Thanks to the beautiful magic of Netflix (or just a quick drive to a movie store), you can get yourself a movie or two to watch- but what do you watch that she’ll like (and think you’re cultured for), and yet not have to suffer through? Here are some ideas.

Good movies to Watch

– The Phantom of the Opera (Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version, AKA “that musical on Blu-Ray”)

This is probably my #1 pick, if I personally had this situation right now. While it’s a somewhat long movie (2:20 or so), The Phantom of the Opera is god’s gift to movies with your Girlfriend. While it is obviously a Musical (and if you don’t like that you’re going to suffer through this, as there are few actual spoken lines), the movie is an absolute masterpiece, with elegant scenery, beautiful actors, and absolutely talented singing. It’s not your typical hyperfeminine movie either- The Phantom of the Opera is passionate and deep, and there is certainly an undercurrent of sexuality running through the whole thing, though it’s tasteful.

And how will I seal the deal? King Leonidas is the Phantom. Yes, Gerard Butler, the manly man who played King Leonidas and screamed “THIS IS SPARTA!” in the movie 300, is the Phantom in this film: and he does a fairly good job all around. He took the job without ever having formal vocal training, and he turned around and whipped the entire film into an awesome musical orgy. Talk about awesome.

– Catch me if you Can

While this is a somewhat sad movie towards the end, Catch me if you Can is a great film for what a lot of the other authors in Well Cultured call the “James Bond Effect”- that is, your Girlfriend will probably enjoy the somewhat sexy espionage action going on as much as you do, though admittedly because the guy on the screen is going to appear more suave than you. Catch me if you Can is one of my favorite movies hands down, and it’s because it’s just clever: it’s clever, sexy, and somewhat humorous as Frank Abagnale attempts to defraud everyone around him- yet sad when he has issues.

For your side of the story, this movie is just plain awesome. Frank Abagnale was one of the biggest balled con men of the century, pulling some of the most daring stunts to keep his name anonymous and his skills intact. Going from a Pilot to a Doctor to a Lawyer only by faking his way through everything, he basically did what he wanted to do: and was surprisingly good at it. You will want to be Frank Abagnale after watching this movie: despite the bad family situation, that guy had every man’s dream.

– Forrest Gump

If you don’t intend to make out during the movie, Forrest Gump is probably one of the most touching movies you can watch with her, hands down. Forrest Gump is, for all intents and purposes, a window into the 60s/70s from the eyes of a man who is, for all intents and purposes, mentally retarded- but yet his good nature and his heart gets him everywhere in life and he finds himself involved in some of the period’s most important happenings. Plus, the man gets shot in the “butt-tocks”.

While this movie isn’t going to be your favorite because of it’s amazing action or porn, it’s a really good movie that is worth seeing no matter what. Again, admittedly, this is not going to get you anywhere with your girlfriend (she WILL cry), but there’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

– Moulin Rouge!

Moulin Rouge is what happens when you mix a good musical with pop culture and mix it all together in a French blender and pour it all over society. Moulin Rouge is a mix of sight and sound, a musical that features songs from our culture (Even stuff from The Police and the like) and turns it into a massive musical all about Love. And believe it or not, it’s awesome- it’s so bohemian it basks in it’s own oddity, yet it’s so normal for America that it’s a blast from the past. If you like oldschool music, this is your kind of movie, you just don’t know it yet.

Oh yeah, and this is one of the few times that Nicole Kidman looks fine. And I mean, like, “holy crap redheads are awesome” hot. Though this is not a good thing to blurt out if you’re watching this with your girlfriend, it’s still freaking true.

– Mean Girls

This comes from people e-mailing me. Mean Girls is apparently one of the best movies you can watch, even though it’s tagged as a “Chick Flick” and features Lindsay Lohan. I’m not exactly sure what makes it so popular (maybe I’m just behind the times on this one), but Mean Girls has a huge fanbase, as it’s your typical good-girl-versus-clique kind of highschool movie that reminds us all of what Highschool was NOT like back in the day.

– The Princess Bride

Yes, it’s originally for kids, but it’s also a great movie. The Princess Bride is, in essence, a fourth-wall-breaking romp of a movie that parodies but simultaneously promotes old fantasy tales, with swords and knights and princesses. It’s hilariously clever, and something that (again, while originally for kids), amusing enough. The thing is, while it entertains kids, much like many kid’s movies, there is much more going on to the Adult eye- a lot of quick innuendo and snappy lines that are amazingly clever.

Let me put it this way: The Princess Bride will entertain you if you enjoy fantasy stories of any kind, and it’s somewhat amusing even in the context of modern RPGs. Sure, you won’t exactly want to state that last part, but it’s totally true.

– Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

This is one that is a bit hard to explain. First off, this is a horrible movie if you have a girlfriend easily disgusted or not interested in Burton-esque films- but otherwise, this is actually an interesting movie to watch with her. By all means, Sweeney Todd is gory almost to a fault, but it also has an interesting story and some catchy tunes that make it endearing- but obviously, you’ll just love it for the creepy psycho story and the fun of watching Johnny Depp kill people indiscriminately. Well, you shouldn’t, but you’re like that.

Movies that will probably get you dumped

Note that this is not to say that your girlfriend might like this stuff- this is just from my experience knowing what goes and what doesn’t. Hopefully, you have a girl who would love movies you do like these- however, you need to avoid going overboard with stuff unless you know it will fly. With that in mind, these are movies that you need to play caution to. This is not to say they won’t fly, but… be careful.

– American Psycho

While one of my personal favorites, American Psycho is probably a very bad movie to watch with your girlfriend. Reason? Not only does it feature rampant misogynistic violence, but it also tends to be somewhat disgusting. While Christian Bale rear seems to attract many women (as the story goes, all of the female staffers crowded around when he did the shower scenes), but it’s not really enough to justify forcing her to watch him randomly beat women and cut them to pieces with some sort of surgery kit. Well, in his mind, anyway.

– Schindler’s List

Unless you have some sort of sick fetish for making your girlfriend feel bad for an entire week, do not make her watch this movie. If she is Jewish, especially do not make her watch this movie. This will probably put her into some sort of twisted depressive manic state for a few days, as it does to most people. Amazing movie, but… play it careful.

– Stupid stuff like DOA: Dead or Alive

You cannot honestly get away with watching a movie like DOA unless it’s in the context of one big joke. Why? Because it’s stupid and it’s basically the equivalent of softcore porn with no brain. It goes without saying that any movie that intends to sell itself by sexualizing somewhat bland looking women will not get you very many brownie points. Rather, it will probably make you look really, really shallow.

So there you have it. Obviously this is a short list- I can’t sit here and list off every movie with a yes or no- but you should get the idea of what the idea is: pick something she’ll like too. Remember, always try to keep her in mind (and stop sending me vague e-mails asking me what to watch)- use your brain and consider what she likes and you’ll do much better than I could ever do so.

Tags: American Psycho, Catch me if you Can, Dating, Dead or Alive, film, Forrest Gump, Mean Girls, Moulin Rouge, Shindler's List, Sweeney Todd, The Phantom of the Opera, The Princess Bride