Hey. So, I’ve gotten over a lot of my insecurities, realizing they were stupid and childish, but there is one I cannot feel good about. I have no car, and should I go on a date, I’d have to stick to public deportation. Any suggestions? Thanks.
Fundamentally, a girl should never not date you based on you having or not having a car- it would be as ridiculous as you doing the same for her. However, for obvious reasons, the logistics can play a nasty part- so here’s what I recommend you do.
First off, find dates you can do without a car- make it clear you can do stuff without transportation. Take a bus if you must. Go to HER- don’t make her come to you initially- prove you’re willing to go the extra mile. Initially, if you force her to have to come to you, it may set her off a bit- but doubtless if she grew to like you, that wouldn’t be an issue.
Secondly, make it clear you not having a car isn’t related to your stability. There’s a ridiculous presumption that most girls have that guys that do not have a car/house of their own are losers. Prove your date differently- dress well, go to a nice restaurant, and have a very clean and neat atmosphere about you. Don’t mention the car unless you have to- just make it clear it’s because of circumstance, not because you’re a 12 year old in your mom’s basement. I’m not saying to flash your cash too much, but make it clear.
Finally, don’t be insecure. I know that’s ridiculous to say, but you shouldn’t have to be- she shouldn’t have any reason to critique you based on the availability of a car. If you’re confident enough, you could run around on a tricycle in Gap Kids clothing and she’d still like you. Rock what you have, not what you want.
Read our Answer More Questions and Answers Ask a QuestionShould I go to a community college before I go to a 4-year college? Looks cheaper.
Using public transit systems and/or other alternative modes of transportation like bikes can also show a more thoughtful side to a guy that couldn’t be shown with a car if you’re the type of man who supports the environmental movement. I’ve noticed that doing so without coming across as a lunatic gains a lot of quiet respect from other men and some women find it attractive . .
This issue of not having a car is closely tied to where you live. In larger cities, you can get away with it. Public transportation is available, and there is plenty to do within walking distance of your homes. I live in a rural area, where not having a car is a much bigger deal. Everything is spread out, and there is a ten mile stretch of road connecting the two largest towns with a limited and expensive public transit system.
Because of my geography, I disagree with Kirk in that I think refusing to date someone who does not own a car is entirely reasonable. Most of the women I’ve dated haven’t had cars, and it sucks. When they do have cars, it’s really awesome, and I strongly prefer to date women with cars. My sister, who lives in the same town, refuses to date men who don’t own cars, live with their parents, or don’t have jobs. These terms sound reasonable to me.
If you can’t drive because you’re not old enough, then women (girls) your age won’t expect you to be able to. If you can’t drive because you committed some sort of crime and got your license taken away, then you probably have bigger stumbling blocks to dating than not having a car.
Perhaps the answer most people will give you is that you should accept your limitations and just be yourself. I won’t tell you that. My advice is to get a car, unless you live in an area where doing so doesn’t make sense.
I personally live in a big biking town, and have no car. I bike most everywhere I go, aside from buses to and from my campus. Being honest, I’d say that having a car is a major benefit. Without one, I would say try to date girls within easy distance. I started a relationship when I could bike over to the girls house and hang out, and bike home afterwards, but once she moved outside of this range, everything went to shit. Me needing a ride home from her put a lot of pressure on the relationship, and it ended quite messily for everyone involved.
So basically, Kirk is right to say that you should date within your distance range. It is doable, but it takes additional planning. Fortunately for you, dates require tons of planning anyway if you’re doing it right, so this should be fairly minor. Plus, the girl will most likely want to help out anyway if she’s worth a snot.
Speaking as a girl who’s dated at least two guys without cars, I have to say that it’s irrelevant of the distance – If you’re both interested in each other, you will find ways to work around it, and be understanding.
Any girl who has a brain and uses it will realize that stability doesn’t necessarily mean that a guy has a car or house for himself. Stability can come in many different forms, such as having a secure job or even working towards goals for the future.
“Don’t be insecure” – It’s often easier said than done. Majority of people in the world have insecurities in some way, shape, or form. Not having a car is not a reason to be insecure, nor is it a thing to be ashamed of. Any girl worth her salt will not belittle you for not having a car…instead she will try to work around it with you. In all honesty, I find from my own preferences and hearing those of my female friends, that as long as a guy’s willing to be himself, polite and communicative, anything can happen.
Noelle,
“As long as a guy’s willing to be himself,” and he’s fortunate enough that his natural self is polite and communicative, and he has an attractive personality and lifestyle, anything can happen. Introverts, really nerdy people, and anyone without social skills will only find failure when trying “to be themselves” and date high quality women at the same time. Yeah, a social misfit can “get a girl,” but she’s usually dumb, crazy, ugly, or otherwise unsavory.
Dating an attractive woman requires being an attractive man. Attractive, as I’m using the term, describes not just looks, but lifestyle and personality. If a man is already attractive, he can just be his attractive self and be successful. If he’s not already attractive, he needs to change his habits and lifestyle to be more attractive if he doesn’t want to settle.
Back before I understood any of this, women (well, girls back then) would tell me that I just needed to “be myself,” and I believed them until the harsh sting of continual failure finally set me straight. Now, I get to date attractive women when I want to do so, because I have a lifestyle that they want to be a part of. I groom and dress properly. I behave in a mature manner and show respect to others. These are all learned behaviors that I did not do before I learned them. I did not get where I am by “being myself.” I did so through consistent work and a willingness to learn. Had I just “been myself,” I would still be wondering where all the women are.