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I think I’ve made it abundantly clear that I hate “get-laid guides”- you know, the books that are all about how to, to directly quote a title, “Get Chicks, Keep Em, Dump Em, & Get Em Back Again”. While I have nothing wrong with dating guides that promote healthy relationships, this is rarely the case with the most popular of guides- most of which are absolutely full of talk about tricking women into sex. As I’ve written before, hit-it-and-quit-it guides like The Mystery Method are absolute trash, but that’s only a small portion of the entire corpus of horrible dating manuals on the market- and I think I should at least give you an idea of what they are like, or better yet, convince you not to buy them for the incredible prices you can get them online.

So, for your learning (and evidently because I’m a masochist), I decided to read through 5 different get-laid guides and give you my opinion, or at least prove how catty I can be to other sex and dating writers.

How to Get Chicks, Keep Em, Dump Em, & Get Em Back Again

by Sanders M. Troy

The Claim: Sanders Troy (who is proud to suffix his title with MBA for some pointless reason) attempts to, in roughly 40 pages, explain how to pick up women in the standard format- giving short little quips (like “Chase the Antelope, settle for the Rabbit”) and bragging about his own abilities to con you into believing what he’s telling you.

The Truth: David DeAngelo looks like a Women’s and Gender Studies professor compared to the misogyny going on in this book. Sanders M. Troy is essentially one big overgrown frat boy, essentially talking about sleazy ways to pick up drunk women and get laid with them. Of course, the book features such absolutely intelligent phrases as “chicks dig candles” and how to strategically place condoms along the underside of your mattress.

Probably the most hilarious moments of this book come when Troy begins to, in great detail, explain certain “tricks” to get women straight into bed, namely the “Tour of the Apartment/Bed Tackle” move, which involves showing a girl around your apartment then pushing her on the bed. You know, because that’s the gentlemanly way.

Moments of Rage:

[Talking about sex toys]: if you plan ahead carefully you can use the same equipment with different women without looking like a player. What you do is carefully open the packaging (razor blade is best) by putting a thin slit in back and across. That way you can put them back in the packaging and show your next girl like you just went out and bought them for her.

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Go to different parts of town. Never take women to the same place as your other bitches.

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Always pick a pet name for a chick like Sweetie, or Sweet Tits, or Jelly Roll. If you use their first name then eventually you will slip and call them by the wrong name.

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Wear whatever is hip. I prefer to shop at trendy stores like GAP or Abercrombie & Fitch

Ride the Punani!! TranceBoy’s Guide to getting laid

By TranceBoy

The Claim: An incredibly long (350+ pages) online guide by some guy named TraceBoy who tried to explain dating with an incredible corpus of information gathered mainly from various blogs- mainly ridiculous Ross Jefferies nonsense. Including “Negs” or “Negging”, which is to basically insult a woman to make her like you.

The Truth: Using Ross Jefferies as a reference for a dating guide is like asking people at your local mental ward for financial advice.

Quite honestly, I can’t really give much of an idea of what this guide is about- it’s an incredible amount of information that seems really really ridiculous. Lots of bullet lists, lots of rambling, lots of attempts to make the reader feel confident.

Moments of Rage:

The entire damn thing. I cannot find a single quote that embodies the entire part, but just imagine a 20-part guide on a single pickup technique and you get the idea.

The Complete Guide To Handling Women (and The Complete Guide to Attracting Women)

By Wayne Ross

The Claim: A thirtysomething divorcee tries to explain how to “handle” women. It mainly revolves around the “D” technique, which is the idea of keeping her “dangling”- that is, to play her hot and cold and presumably try to make her like you. Also, “Negging”.

The Truth: A very empty e-book series that does nothing but pretend to give advice. Often sets up straw men to blame for stupid mistakes and then brings up idiotic ideas on how to get women to come to you. Basically, void of any real advice with intermittent praise from anonymous men who talk about how wonderful the author is.

Probably the best way to explain this book “series” is to basically say that Ross coddles the reader into this belief that he is satisfactory for any woman, and that secretly the ugly men can screw the “hotties” for some arbitrary reason the reader did not recognize before. This actually works in a temporary sense (boosting the reader’s confidence doubtless increases his chances of getting laid regardless of the actual book contents), but fundamentally the series is void of any real advice other than “yeah man you can get chicks”, along with quotes from other guys affirming the same conclusion.

Moments of Rage:

Many times it’s a lot easier to pick up very pretty women rather than plain looking ones. Why? Because a lot of plain looking women want handsome men. It makes then look better to others, especially their friends. But most women, especially pretty ones, attach much more importance to what’s inside a man than what is outside. Personality, sensitivity, and a sense of humor are real turn−on for most women. In fact a number of very beautiful women do no want handsome men.

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You can meet many girls on the beach by being funny and very humorous and nice. Once I met a nice looking girl by doing this: I went right next to a pretty girl at the beach and laid my towel down about two feet from hers. In a few minutes I looked over at her and said, “Would you please move down? I need some room.” She looked at me kind of funny and didn’t move a muscle.

Secrets of Seduction (and all related books)

by Ross Jefferies

The Claim: A long set of rules and guides for “Speed Seduction”- i.e. how to get girls fast. Jefferies obsesses over pop psychology ideas, mainly about how to get ideas in women’s heads (including using hypnosis). Mainly full of my most hated dating idea, the get-laid-algorithm- including end-of-chapter tests. I am not kidding. Also, more “negging” bull.

The Truth: Ross Jefferies comes up with crap guides that make graduate level physics classes look easy. The length of his work is irrelevant- fundamentally, it’s crap.

Written like a really bad real estate scam, Ross Jefferies comes up with some absolutely ridiculous (and I’ll say it again, misogynistic) ideas that really should not even be read lest you fry your mind. Most of his stuff is mixtures of pop psychology, “seduction” crap, vague attempts to understand culture (in a “I failed at getting an anthropology degree” sort of way), and sex advice. Occasionally, you may stumble across something interesting and possibly true, like telling men to attempt to determine why they may avoid long term relationships, but with every good bit of advice comes five destructive ones.

Moments of Rage:

Now, remember, when you set out to influence, control, and direct a woman’s thinking, you don’t want to make it seem like that’s what you are doing, or else S-N-A-P goes that fishing line.

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Throughout this book, I will be laying down certain ideas that you would do well to memorize and use. I suggest you get some 3 x 5 index cards to write these ideas down so you can go over them as you need to.

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THE PURPOSE OF YOUR COMMUNICATION IS NOT TO GIVE HER AN UNDERSTANDING. THE PURPOSE OF YOUR COMMUNICATION IS TO GET YOU RESULTS!!!

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Here in L.A., 99.999% of the better looking waitresses are aspiring actresses, waiting for that big break. Some of these women are so gorgeous they would make you drool in your pants, and they are ripe for someone who they think can help them along in their career. […] The key to this method is not to make it seem like you are blackmailing her. Tell her you would be happy to submit her picture and resume to the right person. After you have agreed to that, THEN ask her out. The threat of you not doing it if she doesn’t accept hasn’t been made, and nice guy that you are, you wouldn’t even think of implying it. But she might be afraid of losing your good will, and so will accept. Try to get her to go out with you on the spot.

Advanced Macking, Chick Management MBA, Easy Horny Women, Sex Tips, and Improve your Looks by 30 Notches

by Anthony Berger

The Claim: A more streamlined guide to the same old crap. Features cartoons, which makes it an easier read, but fundamentally boils down to the same old stuff: be confident, follow my guide, use these pickup lines, see these charts, I’m a player.

The Truth: Just as full of bullcrap as anyone else, just more illustrated bullcrap. Features ridiculous pick-up lines and “tricks”, advises to go after “easy” girls, and references ways to pick up women with your “homies”.

Fundamentally, Berger is not endorsing anything we haven’t heard before- stupid pickup tricks, “peacocking”, faking being an alpha male, that sort of thing. It’s all about the “player mentality”. While it seems appealing in one sense, realizing that these kind of low-end tricks only work in sleezy bars with alcohol and low lights reminds one that even without this guide even the ugliest guy can get laid if the girl’s BAC is high enough.

Moments of Rage:

Never sweat a hoe. [He later translates this to “Don’t over-care for any woman”]

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The boob touch technique works like this: You are both standing in a club or bar, you have already approached her, sparked a conversation, and while talking (whispering) to her, you hold your drink with both hands in front of your chest and stand very close to her. This is a standard “I’m just socializing” position. By having your gin and tonic (or what have you) right in front of your chest, you try to ever so slightly touch her boobs (not the nipples just yet) while you are whispering to her.

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“When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.”

Tags: Dating, david deangelo, girls, Hit it and Quit It, ross jefferies, Women