Wellcultured - A men's fashion, fitness, sex, and lifestyle magazine.

Although the popular show, “Sex and the City” ended with all four main characters living happily ever after, they had many encounters on a bumpy dating road to get there. This road is one taken by many single men and women today. After suffering through numerous bad blind dates, and since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, a/k/a Armageddon for not having a significant other, I decided to give you single guys out there a quick refresher course on some pointers for a successful first blind date. (I’m not picking on the male species; many of the tips can be equal opportunity suggestions).
The following are a few less-than-enthralling scenarios my friends and I have experienced in the past:

Mr. Snoozzzzz – I met Mr. Snoozzzzz one evening at a local restaurant chain. When I walked into the lobby, I was greeted with a lukewarm hello.

Tip #1:

Show some enthusiasm when you first meet your date. Even if you take one look at each other and know you won’t be walking down the aisle, at least be cordial. Receiving a mediocre salutation sets the tone for a bad time.

Tip #2:

Do not bore your date by talking endlessly about yourself. Come up for air sometimes and let her move her lips in the conversation. Mr. Snoozzzzz spent the first hour (I timed him) telling me everything I never wanted to know about his hobby of stamp collecting. Then, mercifully, he switched gears and started to talk about his job, so I thought I was out of the woods. Wrong. This took up the next 60 minutes of our date. Apparently he felt everyone shared his passion for buying and selling stocks. I heard all about puts, calls, and endless market minutia. It’s great to be psyched about your career, but what’s fascinating to one person doesn’t necessarily translate well on an ad nauseam level for your date. He also proceeded to tell me how invaluable he was to his company. Inside my head I was silently screaming, “This ISN’T a job interview!” Finally, to my astonishment, he actually asked me a question about me, but by that time, my eyes were glazed over from being comatose. Needless to say, even though he asked me out on a second date, there was no love connection on my part.
Note to self: Go to a novelty store and buy a pair of those toy glasses with the eyes painted on them so you can zone out and yet still look amazingly attentive.

Mr. T – When I saw the picture of this date on the Internet, he had a full head of hair. When we met in person, I literally did a double take because the sides of his head were extremely close-shaven and he had what I would call a golf divot of hair down the middle top of his head. It wasn’t quite a Mohawk similar to Brangelina’s son, Maddox; it appeared more like something Tiger Woods would use to putt. He also sprouted a small, square moustache, so he looked kind of like a cross between Mr. T and Hitler.  All that was missing was the swastika and plethora of gold chains. I didn’t know if I should salute him with my left arm or say, “I pity da fool who has to go out with you!”

Tip #3

If you’re showing a photo of yourself as a potential prospect, use a relatively recent picture that looks similar to your current features.
Mr. T was perplexing. When he wasn’t watching the multiple TVs in the sports bar where we met, he was staring at my chest. When he did gaze into my eyes, a vise-like handgrip accompanied the ogling.

Tip #4

Don’t assume your date thinks you’re Brad Pitt and wants you to clutch a body part unless she gives you obvious signals that it’s ok to do that. I had given off no such signals. Mr. T was the polar opposite of Mr. Snoozzzzz. I had to pull teeth to get him to converse. I made sure that date ended relatively quickly at a mere 45 minutes. He, too, asked for a second date, but I know when to cut my losses.

The “Seinfeld” Connection – If I’m set up on a date, I usually ask if the person bears any kind of remote resemblance to a celebrity just so I can get a mental picture in my mind. Unfortunately, my friend, Katie, was not quite the devotee of “Seinfeld” as I am, so she couldn’t let me know ahead of time that her co-worker’s friend looked just like one of the part-time characters on the show. To quote a famous Jerry Seinfeld utterance, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”, had I been warned that he was void of an actual personality. He made the
Wall St. guy seem like a gift from heaven. Plus, when we entered and left the restaurant, he just barged ahead of me in and out the door and did not show any inkling of courtesy. So much for dazzling me with charm and grace.

Tip #5

A tiny amount of manners goes a long way. Hold a door open for your date and let them go through first. Chivalry is still alive and well.
The “Seinfeld” Connection was also 41 years old and up until recently had lived in the basement of his parents’ house. Although it was an extremely nice home, this is still a big red flag. Someone that age should not still be hangin’ with Mom and Dad unless there is a medical reason where they need constant care. Try to get some background information on his living situation before your date. Politely ask the question, “When you look out your bedroom window, do you have to stand on tippy-toes?”

Tip #6

Get a copy of “Failure to Launch”.

Indiana Jones’ Brother – Katie met another blind date through a friend of a friend of a friend. Little did she know that the six degrees of separation kept getting lower on the food chain. She was only told he had the standard “nice personality” and looked like he could be somewhat related to Harrison Ford. She thought, “Hmm…so far so good”. She’s open-minded, but when he walked into the restaurant lobby where they were meeting, she wasn’t exactly prepared to see that, with no exaggeration, he must have weighed close to 400 pounds, reeked of cologne, and obviously did not follow the fashion advice found on WellCultured.com. She couldn’t swear to it, but the fragrance was strangely reminiscent of the Hai Karate an old friend used to wear back in the ‘70’s. Naw. He couldn’t still have a case of that stashed away for “special occasions”, could he? Katie is a very positive person; she’s always considerate and never wants to hurt anyone’s feelings, but during their conversation when he proceeded to tell her in great detail about his legend-in-his-own-mind fabulous physical escapades with his last girlfriend, the TMI (Too Much Information) bell began clanging with a vengeance. On top of that, he asked if she’d mind if he smoked. She told him she preferred that he wouldn’t, so he reached for his cigarettes and lighter and said he’d direct the smoke away from her. Blowing cigarette fumes toward the left side of her face instead of directly at her face was his idea of being considerate I guess.

Tip #7

I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we’re not all Gisele Bundchen or Tyson Beckford clones, but if you fall into a more out-of-the-ordinary category due to a medical condition or for whatever reason, you should inform your date ahead of time. If that’s a feature you don’t think would work for you, politely decline the date. One guy didn’t want to go out with my friend because she was taller than he was. Another preferred dating redheads exclusively. I once worked with a guy who absolutely adored Rubenesque beauties.  Everybody has their own personal preferences of what they look for in a mate. Be respectful, but be honest up front.

Tip #8

Women do not want to learn about the excruciatingly painful fine points of past physical encounters of your relationships on a first date! Also, pouring on cologne like Niagara Falls is not a way to win someone’s affection. Women prefer not to know that you’re coming a mile before you get there. Lastly, if you choose to smoke like a chimney, ask your date ahead of time what her feelings are about your habit and adhere to her wishes. Everyone has the right to smoke if they want, but not when it infringes on other people.

Mr. Squeeze Those Nickels – I once met a guy who worked for both a well-known TV sports channel and a Major League Baseball team. He could carry on a pleasant enough conversation, but he failed what I call “The Gentleman Test”. When I go out on a simple first date, I usually order a drink and an appetizer. Now one would think Mr. S.T.N. would have a decent income working for the companies that he did.  When the bill came, however, he flatly informed me, “Here, you figure out what you owe”. This is my #1 Pet Peeve. Please show some class and at least offer to pick up the tab for a woman. Unless you are in between jobs or live in a car with all your worldly possessions, there is no reason you can’t make a great impression on us females by saying those welcomed words, “I’ve got this” (unless your date drinks like a fish and runs up a $100 bar bill). Some women prefer to go Dutch treat and that’s fine, but make the effort to perform this nice gesture. You will be blessed with many good “Guy Points”. Little things mean a lot. It’s not like most women order Dom Perignon and filet mignon. I took a survey at work and asked 15 of our male employees their thoughts on this issue. They unanimously agreed that if the guy was worth his salt, it was the gentlemanly thing to do. Thus:

Tip #9

Cheapness can propel a woman toward the nearest exit. Try to let the little moths in your wallet breathe some invigorating fresh air.

Mr. What’s That Funny Smell? – I met a seemingly nice guy through work but didn’t know much about him. It’s not like I could’ve handed him a checklist of his recreational habits before he asked me out, but it wouldn’t have been too bad of an idea.  He took me to a great restaurant and things seemed to be going well except that he left the table numerous times to use the nearby restroom. Even though he seemed fine, I thought it was a bit unusual but figured maybe he was having stomach problems, although he kept laughing an inordinate amount of times. This should have been my main clue. On what probably was trip #7, he opened the door quickly and the sweet aroma of something they didn’t offer legally on the menu wafted through the air. All of a sudden, the manager came up to the table next to us and asked the couple to leave. I didn’t know what happened until I realized that he must have thought they were doing what President Clinton denied inhaling. I felt so bad for the poor, innocent guests when it was actually my date who was causing the problem. I recalled the scene from the movie, “The Fly” with Jeff Goldblum when he knows he’s morphing into the fly. He looks pitifully at Gena Davis and squeaks out, “Kill me! Just kill me now!” This has become my mantra on all of my bad blind dates, but it started with this episode.

Tip #10

Don’t bring illegal extracurricular activities with you on a date in a public place.

Mr. Entertainer – One of my all-time favorite bad blind date stories happened to my friend, Jackie. She went out with a guy who seemed a bit odd, but he was good looking and had money in stratospheric proportions, so she wrote it off in her mind as being “a rich eccentric”. The evening was progressing well enough, but she had nagging doubts about him. Against her better judgment, she drove back to his home for coffee and dessert. She was seated in his living room when he disappeared and came back with a small black case. He gave his best Al Pacino impression and said, “Say hello to my little friend!” She remembered the quote from the familiar gruesome scene from “Scarface”. While fleeting thoughts of being gunned down in her prime cascaded through her head, he suddenly whipped out a ventriloquist’s dummy and proceeded to have the dummy make graphic suggestions about his plans for the three of them. She hastily bid goodbye to Charlie McCarthy Jr. and was out the door.

Bonus Tip – Meet at a public place and drive separately. You never know when you’ll need to make a quick getaway. Also, be aware of the old adage, “Looks aren’t everything” and follow your instincts. They’re never usually wrong.

In summary, to help ensure celebrating special occasions like Valentine’s Day together as a couple, just keep in mind these few simple tips, and blind dates will not have to be an experience worse than enduring a root canal. Hang in there – Hallmark, American Greetings, florists, and chocolate shops across America have faith you’ll be successful!

Tags: Dating, girlfriends, girls, talking, Women