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A lot (and I mean a LOT) of people have recently been bitching on various forums and other sources about not knowing what to do on dating sites- that is, they don’t know how to get “above the cut” and actually talk to girls. This isn’t surprising: dating sites are built around women as a commodity and you, the general male, as the oversupply. Dating websites don’t make it that easy to contact the opposite sex without feeling like a pervert and/or stalker, and inevitably, many people are left somewhat out of touch. Well, here’s what you do.

First off, let me add a spoiler to all of this: I’m going to be talking about dating websites. However, obviously, I’m not going to be discussing websites designed to get you laid: this is for “legitimate” dating websites such as Match.com, OkCupid, or similar websites. So, if you’re expecting a long article on how to look “hott”, go elsewhere, as usual.

Step 1: Figure out the kind of girls you want to attract.

No, seriously. Sit down and figure out the kind of girls you actually want to get via this website. Looking for good, clean, healthy Christian girls? Plan to avoid talking about going to bars and the like. Want nerdy girls? Don’t expect to get much attention from the more preppy girls. Sometimes, it’s best to give up the concept of finding a harem online and just stick to what you can do well: talk to girls who you have a legitimate interest in. Lots of sites do this for you now, which helps things out immensely, but some of the cheaper/dumber sites (I won’t name any) just let you “have at” their database- which often means you need to do such selection on your own.

Step 2: Know thyself, and have plenty of evidence you exist.

Pictures and text are all you have on dating websites, which is incredibly irritating in a variety of ways. They really limit you in how you can express yourself- so you need to make the most of them as possible. Most sites make this rather difficult, but it all boils down into two things you need to prepare for: your pictures (your first line of offense), and your text (your second).

The first thing that people will notice, without fail, is your picture. Humans are wired this way: girls who say they don’t check are liars. You need to take a good picture that features you doing something other than the following:

• Graduating
• Working
• Sleeping
• Drinking
• Making an angry pose towards the camera.
• Trying to look artistic and failing
• 300 miles away from the camera, trying to hide
• Doing something sexual

Make sense? It should. However, amazingly, 95% of all pictures end up falling under the above categories. So, instead of ranting further about what you can’t do, let me just show you some epic failures- and some epic successes while I’m at it.

BAD EXHIBIT ONE: Creepy Construction Worker

While this guy may look good, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t come off as completely dangerous. With the wrap-around sunglasses, obvious double-chin, poor lighting and photo quality, this image does nothing but scream “I want to watch Blue Collar Comedy, eat fried chicken, and grab your rear”.

BAD EXHIBIT TWO: “Yeah, I kissed a dude once after some Jagerbombs”

Needless to say, this looks dumb. He looks like a damn club idiot, the kind who would screw anything with a hole after knocking back a few beers. This may not even be his personality: but it’s what I think when I look at him, and that’s a damn problem, because women will do the same thing. On top of this atrocity, he’s attempting to show off muscles he doesn’t have (on the theory that women cream themselves at seeing their bodies), which is far from the truth. No-one with any kind of brains would touch this idiot.

BAD EXHIBIT THREE: Samurai-boy

This guy is far from an Anime character, but it’s obvious he wants to be one. With the bright pink hair that reminds me of Pepto-Bismol and an expression that looks almost effeminate, one wonders what this guy is looking for other than to make a joke of himself. Women do not look for men with bright pink hair- while the long hair could be a selling point, the bright pink and the flowery shirt just make him seem awkward and off-putting.

GOOD EXHIBIT ONE:Natural photo with something interesting.

Looking at his photo, he’s a football fan- and the photo sends that message, but it contains a clear photo of his face naturally, something that sends a very clear message and frames him extremely well. There’s nothing hidden here- looking at this photo, you know exactly where he’s coming from. Additionally, you can tell he’s with someone to his left- meaning he’s got friends and doesn’t live in a basement. Always a good thing.

GOOD EXHIBIT TWO: Mr. Smile

Somehow, this works. It shows his face, he’s looking friendly and inviting, and you kinda just want to be this guy’s friend. Again, while he’s not going to fit every girl’s bill, he’s doing a damn good job at looking good in a 100×100 picture. Overall, this picture is a great example of the simple fact that you can look like anyone- if you look inviting and kind but refined, you’ll do well, no matter how you look compared to the “ultra-buff” guys on the listings with you.

GOOD EXHIBIT THREE: Indie Kid

I hate to admit it, but this guy has something going for him: being out there. While I generally hate sunglasses in photos, his unique smile and fun demeanor that shows in the photo will get him a lot of attention- it’s enough to generate some attention to his profile, and that’s exactly what he needs on a dating website.

So, my point should be made fairly clear: you need to show your face, be nice, and not try to hide anything. No swords, no daring shots, nothing special- make it like a damned resume photo with an edge and you’ll be fine.

But then it comes down to the second part of your presentation/offense: the actual stuff you write. Unfortunately, getting into this in detail would take an article of it’s own, but in general, all one needs to do is NEVER EVER type stuff like the following:

• I will fill this out more when I see who is available. I am a nice guy who is seeking a sole-mate. Someone sweet with a kind heart.Someone that doesnt smoke would be nice. I’m a bigger guy but I look good. I would like to find a beautiful girl that deserves my affection. (fails for a variety of reasons- typos, already putting himself down, and even going so far as to say a girl DESERVES his affection)
• i like to meet outgoing women and love to have sex..i have a 7 inch dick and masturbate almost everyday.My name is super and i love superman. (the failure in this is self-explanatory)
• I wouldn’t say that I’m REALLY good at anything, or at least anything that comes to mind. (NEVER put yourself down on the FIRST DAMN PARAGRAPH, if ever at all)
• I currently work for an electrical company as an electrician. My goal is to own my own home by the end of the year. I am also trying to be the best father that I can be. (AKA “I am a failure currently so put up with me until stuff gets better”)
• Even when you see me, do not run after me. If you run after me, you will lose me. If you parade me, you do not know who I am. I cannot be monopolized–I belong to everyone. I do not want you to believe in me. I want you to experience me. If you take one step towards me, I will take two steps back. (NEVER sound like a self-absorbed douche who is trying to be poetic unless you’re DAMN sure you know it will work)

Long story short? Be normal. Don’t talk about your failures. Don’t whine. don’t admit too much. Don’t talk too much, but give info about yourself. Talk about what you do for fun, and be open to new things. Sometimes, it’s best to note that you aren’t the kind of guy who frequents dating sites: it’s always better to seem new and young to the concept rather than to sound like you’re a pro at trying to find a girlfriend and failing at it. Use your common sense.

Step 3: Become the next great spam god.

Sit down when you have free time and just message girls. Read their profiles, figure out something you can talk about, and just get moving. If she likes a movie you haven’t seen before, ask her if it’s worth seeing. If she likes a hobby that you like too, ask her about her experience. If you’ve got nothing to say but want to message her anyway, just tell her that- it’s better to be honest. Never use pickup lines, and do this as much as you need to.

You will get rejected- this is no different than real life, just with messages rather than actual talk. Expect to be shut down, made fun of, and beyond- but keep on trucking and you should be fine. Remember, the girl who you message inadvertently may be “the one”- you just have to get the balls to actually message her and find out.

Step 4: Profit.

Hopefully, following these rules, you should have a chance to find some good people. Hell, any experience can be good experience- just be willing to keep trying and not get discouraged. Dating websites are odd places, but you can learn a lot- tread lightly, avoid the crazies, and all in all, have fun with it. After all, at least the internet has Block buttons, thank god.

Tags: Dating, match.com, okcupid, online dating, profiles