Listen Up: What She Really Wants
Written by Daniel, Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 in Dating Columns, Sex & Dating
So many relationships are made and broken based on the communication that exists between a man and a woman. There is one small detail that guys seem to overlook and this is the thing that makes men and women who they are. We are very different types of beings that operate and think on two completely different wavelenths. Men have this inate feeling that he is a critical thinker and a problem solver. Give a man a task and he will do whatever it takes to complete the task all by himself. Contrary to how men operate, women want to approach situations all at once. A woman will take everything that is currently happening in her life and she will basically list it all according to priorities. This is why guys prefer to work alone while women will actively seek to employ anyone who is willing to help.
Readers of this site will undoubtedly, if they haven’t already, go through one of many scenarios with women where they will appear to be illogical and their thoughts inconsequential. One such scenario in a relationship is the classic I want to talk / I want to relax situation. When a man has a hard day of work or classes, his first desire is to relax in a way that he can focus his brain 95% on the relaxation and 5% on whatever else is happening around him. The woman on the other hand has a completely different method for dealing with stress. The woman is more inclined to talking about what is stressing her which seems like a fantastic attempt at making herself more overwhelmed than she already is.
When the man and the woman enter into this potentially hostile territory, the man will instinctively react in two ways. First, the man will be frustrated by the woman’s advances. When a man is stressed, he wants to lose himself in whatever activity gives him pleasure. Any outside interference that persists, will trigger a defense mechanism that makes him snap at the woman. Second, if the man initiates conversation with the woman, he will offer advice to her when she starts listing off her problems. The problem with this approach is that the man simply does not “get it.” A woman does not talk to her girlfriends to get advice, she simply talks just to talk.
This fundamental difference between how men and women communicate can cause tension and feelings of resentment. When a man is in a relationship, it’s in his best interest to listen to what the woman has to say. It’s a simple concept but men and women tend to forget that they are different. This can also apply to men that are “on the market.” Despite what this site says about the “Friend Zone” often it is best to be friends with a girl before you initiate the relationship. The “Friend Zone” while true in some aspects, it is really a horrible guide line for who women see as potential mates. Don’t even get me started on the Ladder Theory, it has the same horrible ignorance as Mein Kampf and paints an equally terrible picture of who women really are. If you really want to validate yourself to a girl, it’s not how good you are in bed, but how good you listen to what she has to say.
7 Responses to Listen Up: What She Really Wants
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I believe that guys are only put in the friend zone by not being clear on their intentions from the start. I’m not saying you have to flat out ask them out from the start, but you do have to let them know you’re interested from the start.
The one thing I don’t really agree with is the part about talking just to talk. I really shouldn’t talk since I’ve never had a girlfriend, but from watching my friend and his lady it seems that she gets annoyed if he doesn’t offer some remedy to her problems. That might just be her though, or perhaps it could be the nature of the problem itself…
I might be mistaken, but regarding that, isn’t sometimes the thing to act “as if” you were trying to help, because whenever I propose solutions to ranting women, they just kind of ignore them as if it didn’t matter, which would not contradict the end of the first paragraph.
The again it’s just a proposition, nothing proven.
It’s not that women talk “just to talk”. Listening to someone and empathizing with them is a healing process in and of itself, and offering “solutions” is kind of missing the point. Often, having to put your problem into words for someone else helps you solve it on your own. Don’t men just want someone to listen to them without processing at times too?
To Yum22Yum23:
The reason women ignore your solutions is because she is not asking you for solutions. That is the difference with us as guys. Like I said, guys have a desire to problem solve and figure out solutions to problems. Women on the other hand talk through their problems so they can prioritize. It seems as if they are being irrational to men but they are actually laying everything on the table so they can move from there.
To A:
You’ve got it right, the empathy does heal a person. It is the nature of a man to figure out problems and when they want to talk about something they go to other people to offer suggestions. It is only when the man knows that there is no other way that he will ask for help. Now that won’t apply to everyone, but it is human nature.
The reason men get stuck in the friend-zone isn’t mysterious and it doesn’t require pop psychology to figure out. It’s because the women aren’t attracted to them. If the men are clear about their intentions from the start, they’ll just get flat-out rejected instead of wasting their time as friends.
On the other hand, what do I know? I’ve never been in the friend zone.
I guess this illustrates the kind of stress-coping that the sexes tend to gravitate to, since there are exceptions since women do zone out and men do like to talk about problems sometimes. Overall, what’s better? Probably a combination, you don’t want to get too fixated on a problem so it’s good to breath and do something healthy, but it’s not good to totally distract yourself from it on a daily basis either.
In my understanding and experience, women tend to talk out their problems and stress. Sometimes they’re looking for advice, and sometimes they’re not. If they know how to communicate (there IS a difference between talking and communication), then it should be more clear as to when they are expecting advice or not.
The functional difference between the majority of men and women (that I’ve seen) is that women react emotionally, while men react mentally. That’s not to say that men can’t be emotional, or share emotions, nor that women can’t use brainpower, but when attempting communication between the two, it takes patience and listening on both ends to work. Frequently (again in my understanding and experience) women find it just as frustrating as men can when trying to talk to each other, because women take things personally (connecting to emotions) while men are more relaxed (connecting to mentality).
It’s very true that most women find listening a very attractive quality for a man to have. If a woman can open up and talk to you about things that stress her out, or are more personal, then she feels she can trust you. In an attempt to maintain this trust, it seems (to me) wisest to be friendly and let her know you’re willing to listen, while making your intentions clear (if you’re interested in her, that is). This shows her that you’re willing to be there for her for more than “just another guy trying to get into her pants”.